Sunday, July 31, 2005
My Interview with +.+*_xia0.luRbe_*+.+
wwatashii xia0 luRbe san! bEri kawaaaii nehhx~
I sat patiently at MPCC's Starbucks, sipping onto my vanilla cappucino, waiting for our interviewee today, Xiao Lurbe who was supposed to be sitting across me 30 minutes ago. I started doodling my dog in different sex positions when suddenly the door swung open and the smell of cheap perfume intruded my sensitive trils. A short and rather plump little girl stroded in, dressed in a pink spaghetti and pink mini skirts and pink heels. She beat her own record and even carried a pink hello kitty handbag.
I thought the God of Pink was here to condemn me for chucking away my only piece of pink giodarno top. Apparently, it was Xiao Lurbe in person. I immediately raised my pink signboard that writes "LOOK HERE, XIAO LURBE." Being a pink signboard, it obviously caught her attention and she hopped towards me.
HVV: Hello erm.. xiao lurbe? You look (fucking plastic and pink) radiant today, pleasure to meet you.
XiaoLurbe: Kekex. Really? Tankew norhxx. *bends down, reveals cleavage, sits down and ooh ahh*
HVV: I'm glad you agreed to do this interview. You don't know how excited I am to meet you.
XiaoLurbe: Miee tu lehhx. Waait ah. *scribbles down her email, msn, icq, aol, handphone number, house phone number, old pager number, address, full name and ic number* Narhxx. Gib euu.
HVV: Eh? Whatever for?
XiaoLurbe: My business card larhxx. Euu next tyme can c0ntact miee lohxx. And horxx. *clears throat* add miee in friendster horx!
HVV: *must.. stop.. eyes.. from... rol..rolling* Sure, no problem. You want to order a drink first? *signals for waiter to come*
The waiter comes and asks XiaoLurbe what she wants to drink. XiaoLurbe put one finger on her cheek and tilted her head, thus transforming into Thinking XiaoLurbe! After a century or so, she finally decided she wants a Raspberry Frappucinno. The waiter got the order and walked to the counter when XiaoLurbe all of a sudden shouted at the waiter..
XiaoLurbe: DECAF HORRXXXX!
HVV: Um.. right. So XiaoLurbe, care to introduce yourself?
XiaoLurbe: yeahhx ok! *takes a deep breath and starts reciting whole of her friendster profile including who she wants to meet and her whooping 200+ testimonials with all the annoying asterix blah blah*
HVV: Wow, that was intriguing. Here, I have a pretty personal question. How do you come to know all you kors, di, mei, jies, marmie, daddy, nu er and er zi?
XiaoLurbe: ooh. dat's simple larhhx. when i surf friendster, den i see shUai sHuai deRhx and g0rt chup, den i ask hIm b mOi kor, nO cHup deRhx be my di l0Rhx. jiE and mEi oso sAme patteRn.. only dEy must be uglier den miee, so i loOk radiant and kaWaii nehx beside dem!
HVV: Wow, didn't see that coming. What about backstabbers? What makes you people hate them so much?
XiaoLurbe: Wow, I dont noe lehxx. i see everibudi hate backstabbers, i osh0 hate l0rxx. if i d0nt hate backstabbers.. where g0rt peepur want tu be miee friendd?
HVV: Right.. so, what do you think about -
I was cut off suddenly by techno music coming out of XiaoLurbe's handphone. "7 years.. and 50 days.. blah blah.." XiaoLurbe excused herself and answered the call. She started yelling in hokkien, from which I can only understand "cheebye", "kanina" and "hong kan ah". I'm not really much of a dialect person. She hung up and apologized to me as she had to go now because her stead's ex stead is threatening her stead to break with her if not the ex stead will ask her current stead to whack XiaoLurbe's stead but suay suay Xiaolurb's stead the ex stead the current stead is the kor of XiaoLurbe so now XiaoLurbe want her kor to break with his current stead and whack up her stead's ex stead.
She stormed off after explaining, leaving me without any clue what the fuck just happened. I packed my stuff and headed to the counter, deciding to be a good and honest man and pay for the Raspberry Frap that wasn't even ready. The cashier at the counter told me to keep my money as apparently, the waiter who took the order choked on his own saliva because he laugh too hard while trying to decaf a raspberry frap and is now sent to the hospital.
I shrugged and left the place, determined to find better interviewees next time.
Alright I admit, I'm too fucking lazy to continue. Maybe next time, I'll write about how I survived a whole day of K-Box with XiaoLurbe and her 843 jiemuiis. Till then, screw the twits.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Screw Ruhua, this is the new sex.
This boy is no ordinary being. In fact, he's top in MOT reader's demands. He is either a female twit or a gay twit. I can't decide, seriously. I wished I could type properly, but his face is seriously SCARING THE FUCK OUT OF ME. Why don't I let the picture speak a 1000 words instead. I present you, ' wEi'FiVe'fUlL.
But please bear in mind we don't hold responsiblility if your penis decided to massive shrink itself.
I know, wtf. The way his many faces are staring at us, he seems like he's having sexual desire for you MOT readers out there. I always cringe when I see girls so self obsess with themselves, holding their handphone up high and snapping away with their annabel chong poses, but when a guy does exactly all that..
I seriously feel like chopping off my penis.
Coincidentally, this guy seems to be the perfect example for my theory on the MSpainters. What are MSpainters, you ask? Well, its basically xiaxue's photoshopping brought to a new low. How low? Very low. (Yak yak)
Twits whose mentality can't withstand even the simplest re-sizing of photos in Adobe Photoshop, naturally seek comfort in something far more idiot proof, and in this case - MS Paint. Imagine all the functions MS Paint has in store for them, all the so called "photoshopping" they can do. Most importantly, ALL THE AMAZINGLY PRETTY PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES THEY CAN PUT ON FRIENDSTER AND CLAIM PHOTOSHOPPED!
Once again, let our dear ' wEi'FiVe'fUlL do the talking, and once again, we aren't held responsible for anything at all.
Does painting your nails black and looking a little sluttish in this picture makes you punk? Hell no. Quantum blast? I wished I could quantum blast your face, whatever that is.
Aww, this melted my heart, literally. The angel crown, however doesn't seem very proportionate to the big bush of pubic up on your head that you call hair.
Huh you bet you boring son of a bitch. What's so wrong about this picture? Let me tell you. You're trying to pull off the typical Nicholas Tze pose but it went wrong cause 1) You fucking exposed your white thigh with that shorts of yours. 2) Hello? Giordano T-shirt? I thought they were banned for ages 8-40. 3) Your nose is so fucking big even though you try to cover your face with your hand it still pops out. Since it didn't turn out cool, it became your boring face, againg.
OH BROTHER. I bet you smile 24/7 so you can train yourself to be sUnshInE bOi bOixx. That pose is so motherfucking stupid. I don't mean to swear here, but that's the only thing to stop me from banging my head against the wall. Do note that I'm risking my life to do this entry, so please don't come with comments "ii d0n'tt thinkk hee g0rtt pr0b wwaat. eeuu r thhe onee l0rxx! knnBccb!". I think I'll just jump off.
''''' ; ; ; YoUnG bOy - - -> firstname.lastname@example.org
This is actually moderately ok, compared to all the other pictures of him. No wait, who am I kidding. His pictures are killing me slowly. His MSpainting is starting to bore me. Its always "Wei" and his email and that frowning forehead sign. Oh wait, he also likes to draw two whiskers on his cheek. I wonder what's his point.
For once, he is in outside clothes. Oh wait, I forgot. Many twits like to doll up at home and start cam whoring like they do hang out and they have a life. Well, he should fucking go CUT THE DAMN HAIR. It looks like its going to run away from his head any moment. The angel's halo is back, and can anyone explain to me what is youngster? Young Friendster? Growing Fatter? Teach me, quick.
And that is the life of our dearest ' wEi'FiVe'fUlL. Oh wait, I haven't even started on his profile. Let's take a look at his favourites, shall we?
Hobbies and Interests:PLayINg bASkeT balL ( noT At All ), SLeePInG ( ThE bEsT ), WatCHIng tV ( alWaYs ), BoWLInG, ReADINg cOmicZ ( aLwayZ ), pLaYiNg gAmE
Well, sleeping is your favourite hobby? Looking at you, that isn't hard to imagine. And if you don't like something, don't bother putting (noT At All), just don't put LAH. Fuck, I nearly thought you were a bball boy.
Favorite Books:foRevA doRaeMon'z cOmIcS' cOnan ToO '
Forever doraemon? Are you going to be reading doraemon comics when you're old and infertile?
Favorite Movies:tHe DaY aftEr ToMoRoW...mY NeW ToP chArT mOviE- - -> FanTaStIC fOuR
Oh wow, now you even have a NeW ToP chArT mOviE! Can I have a look at it?
Favorite Music:pOp, R n' B, hOuSe MuSiC, rOck (not aT All_)
The (not aT All) thing again. Obviously you don't listen to rock. I can't even imagine you moshing in a moshpit. Pop is too overrated. By saying pop, I assume you mean Cyndi Wang, 5566 and 183 Club? No, I'm quite deadly sure.
Favorite TV Shows:FeAR FAcToR''''''FriEnDS'''''eXtraVagaNzA' ' cEriWiZ"" wIlD On' BincAnG bInTAnG .............
WTF IS wIlD On BincAnG bInTAnG? Forgive me, for I'm not a loyal supporter of Suria since I don't understand it. Reading your friendster profile is fear factor itself already.
Oh god, and we're not even at the About Me yet. I.. must.. perservere.....
Good luck reading on, you'll need it.- -Fisickly n' Myself //>Chinese Name - Jao Liang Wei//>Age - -
15//>Height - - 170 ( not sure )//>Weight - - 62 kg ( not sure
)//>D.O.B - - 27 June 1990//>P.O.B - - Jakarta//>Chinese Horoscope - -
- -Hobbiez//>Sleeping iz my no. 1 HobbY //>Playing Game iz my no. 2
Hobby//>Playing Basketball//>Reading Bookz especialy Comicz//>Sometime
Playing Billiard//>Playing Bowling//>Hang Out With My
Friends//>Watching Tv//>Shoppink ( sometime ) //>Tacking
Picture//>Chating //>Browsing Internet//>Collecting Action
Hmm, don't you think you could have SAID ALL THIS IN YOUR INTERESTS AND HOBBIES ALREADY. Please, if you want your profile to be long and make yourself a nuisance, at least think of something that requires some brainpower.
- - Loves//>My Parentz//>My Familyz//>My Friendz//>My Bed
Room//>My Bed itz My Paradise//>My House//>My Mobile Phone//>My
Discman//>My Wallet //>All of My Action Figure n' mY hatZ
What's up with your love affair with your bed? And if I had a discman in this era and I actually flaunt it, I might as well go end my life now.
- - Favorite//>Surf Brand - Billabong, Quicksilver ( the best ), No Fear, Rip
Pardon me if I'm suaku, but is No Fear a surfing brand? And even if it is, FYI: Its sold in all pasar malams islandwide. Sorry, but I hate surf brands.
Who I Want to Meet:
mY fIrSt UntIl fIfTh fUllEd
mUst bE FriEnDlY, fUnnY,
wAnt a Be mY FrIen
don"T AsK mE 2 AdD YoU
cOz i wOn'T rePlaY It
iF you waNt aDd bY yoUrSElF
sEnD mSg :oNly 4 ppL whO waNt a bE mY frEn
sO aDd mE at mY fIfTH aCc
mY 5th acc - - ->' wEi'FiVe'(fUlL)
??//:::' email@example.com '(fUlL)
??//:::' firstname.lastname@example.org '(fUlL)
??//:::' email@example.com '(fUlL)
??//:::' firstname.lastname@example.org '(fUlL)
??//:::' email@example.com '(fUlL)
aDd mY LaTesT aCc
i'M wAiTInG 2 AlL oF YoU wHo wAnT a bE FRiEnD
Right, so to be your friend, I must be friendly, funny and want to be your friend. And if we beg you to add us, you won't replay it. I'm fine with that. Lelong ah Lelong. Who want to be his friend?
Pardon me if it's messy, since its my first time writing this so I'm rather confused, but I hope this made you smile, in a way. Seriously, his friendster disgusts me. Its an obvious act of desperation, adding anonymous peole to look as if he has lots of friends. Go add him now! Fill up his sixth account and wiggle your butt.
There you go, a whole detailed report on Jao Liang Wei, aka ' wEi'FiVe'fUlL.
OH NO WAIT. I fucking missed out something big. If you're ever deciding on cutting your hair mohawk style, maybe you should reconsider. Why? Well..
- The passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus in female mammals.
- A similar part in some invertebrates.
2. Botany. A sheathlike structure, such as the leaf of a grass that surrounds a stem.
That, is a vagina. And basically, that pretty much sums up my introduction. Alright I guess it won't die to tell you more about myself. Afterall, it isn't an everyday thing you see a vagina lying around, much less blogging.
Believe it or not, I used to be a pornstar. Well, a cameo for a porn flick actually. C'mon, don't roll your eyes. They pay well and you get to have multiple orgasms, what else can a vagina ask for? My life was a wreck, taking up a few gigs every 3 months or so, juggling odd-jobs in between. I managed to pull through with a monthly income of peanuts, and I don't mean the $600,000 peanuts. I meant literally peanuts.
I ceased existance when the porn company closed down and no one else wanted to hire a vagina. I had a pretty solid voice but the recording label rejected me since they didn't exactly know how to package a vagina.
That was when MOT came into the picture. They came knocking on my door and said I was exactly the one they were looking for. They said that I was The One. I was pretty skeptical about it in the first place, but then I remembered how my vagina mother once told me that I was special and different from everybody. I had to be, The One.
Well I'm no fool. I've catched The Matrix and I know The One kicks ass real hard. I just don't take the idea of getting a dildo-sized machine shoved up my brain, since vaginas usually take the shape of.. yeah you get my point.
And voila. The Happy Valley Vagina is a new addition to the MOT crew. This is my real identity, I'm seriously just a vagina. So if any of you twits get offended by my posts next time, remember this - you just got dissed by a vagina.
One more thing. MOT has never made this official, so let's make it official now. The Retard Petrol is an affliation of MOT. Yeah, its official now. dotxx. OMG ITS SO HARD TO BE NEW HERE.
Well, just to whet your appetite for more of HAPPY VAGINA VALLEY, here's a little something that I would like to call "What Singapore's sunny weather did to our men." The pictures are rather self explanatory, so yeah.
Can anyone just tell me WHAT THE FUCK IS SO KAWAII NEHX ABOUT THE PICTURE.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Out of habit, I grabbed a newspaper from the table and proceeded into spending quality time in the washroom.
"Boring articles..." I thought. But I was wrong. I saw something... something so scary... that it made my shit rush all the way upwards, swerving back and forth, left and right in my large intestines, squeezing their way up my small intestines, undigesting in my stomach, up my throat and finally i puked out those disgustingly beautiful vomit!
Click For Larger Size
In english : Schoolgrounds Paparazzi Issue
Each week's champion will be able to get $100 cash.
Different category each week.
Please send your MMS together with your particulars to 98802400
Theme this week : SUNNYGIRLS
Apparently they only picked the 4 that "barely made it"
Warning : make sure you aren't browsing the site with your laptop on your lap while sitting on the toiletbowl trying to gek the sai out of yourself. MOT shall not be responsible if your laptop gets soiled with your own vomit
And this week's $100 cash goes to...
I'm sure she must be thinking ,"w0ahs...cr0wn w0rs...sh0 kawaii kEkExXx! aNd g0Rt $100 gO tIsH fAsHi0N f0r sh0ppiNg spReE lErx!"
Did you go What The Fuck!? I did. 10 times, in fact. Or was it more? I lost count.
I was expecting to see those 'rich in Vitamin-D' (In case you didn't know, UV rays from the sun convert ergosterol into Vitamin D) girls with tanned skin, or at least carry the sporty look.
But come on, look at those photos. The first one? That picture is so DARK, how the fuck do you call that SUNNY?! Pring actually thought the second one was not soooo bad, but still quite bad. The third one should have waited longer for the "SCARIEST EYES" contest to commence. I bet she'd have a really great chance of winning. As for the winner... man. I'd only say the judges are either cock-eyed or blind.
To participate in the contest, you have to send in your photo via MMS. Which means they were most probably taken by handphone cameras. And what does it mean? SELFSHOT PHOTOS. I have the sudden urge to puke again, god.
Ooh. So taking a picture with a lil' bit of sunlight reflecting on your face, you can qualify to be a SunnyGirl? If that's the case, I think there's someone else who deserves the hundred bucks more than you funny looking big eye dope.
You can't possibly get anymore sunlight than me! >;D BAHAHA!
Monday, July 25, 2005
just a quickie
have pity on him. he's such an innocent child. getting all happy and entertained over one mistake that I've made. Yes it seems silly. But it means alot to his little brain.
yes he has an deprived childhood. no friends, no aquaintance and perhaps no parents. there has been nobody in his life to tell him jokes and story. that is why he made such a big hooha out of a name of a car.
What a joke: i need more jokes .. can you provide me with some ?? ... how about Subaru WRX , and you call it as NISSAN WRY ??? ...HAHA
see. he's so retarded that he thinks THAT is funny. when most of us would think that THAT sorta crap isn't even worth reading. but we read it alright. because we are kind people, giving him the attention he seeks.
What a joke: come on .. dun change the topic .. we are talking about evo 8 , not tagboarding .. face it .. U LOSE THIS TIME
seriously, he's very pitiful. a small brain like his can't handle situations very well. that's why he insist on sticking to the Evo 8 topic. poor chap.
in fact, we should all thank him. thank him for spending time to be OUR joke.
he thinks we're 16. why? most probably because he's 16.
What a joke: sorry ... i aint have the time to listen to your reason cos you peeps are pushing the blame to one another ... there is no COORDINATION ... you lost .. KO .. BYE
i don't see my readers pushing blame to one another. i wonder what you have been reading. hmmm. perhaps your eyes have no coordination. must be. because you can't even tell that I CAMRY was the one who did the previous post. poor thing.
please, please get this clear. the whole point about the previous post, isn't about a pathetic EVOLUTION LANCER 8 (oops i did it again. but so what?) It's about a pathetic guy wearing a orange shirt whom had dared me to go down but didn't turn up himself.
other than YOU mr, no one is making a big hooha out of it. Who's being the joke?
sorry guys ... u guys made a terrible mistake le ..
WOAH. if this is a terrible mistake, i wonder what is the kind of mistake that your parents made for having you. WOAH. can't imagine.
I always get the last laugh. So proud of myself. Be proud of me. Hah.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Life Is Full Of Challenges, or not?
orange shirt guy: na ... tats our private life ... none of ur biz ... juz remember tml nite ... come if u dare ... 8pm SHARP ... between mac n chinablack .. c u there .. tata
Since Mr Orange Shirt Guy(aka Mr OSG in the next paragraph on) has cordially invited me down to The Macdonalds Beside Chinablack to get a full view of his hAnds0me jAp aNd sTyLe(quoted from his girl, how could I possible think of that?) body. It's my honour to make a personal trip down.
As said in + `gh3y littl3 pynk tagb0arddie` +, Mr OSG declared that he would be down at Macdonalds having his dinner at 8 with his pig dog friends, with his damn l337 Evolution Lancer 8 parked neatly along the road.
So there I was, early in the evening 7pm, outside Chinablack, awaiting for his arrival.
Nope, No sign of any guy wearing an orange shirt with ugly coloured hair.
I swear I was sincere about meeting him. I even saved a piece of Roasted Duck Wrapped In Popiah Skin for him. I got it specially from Parco Bugis Junction Food Festival.
But I got tired of waiting and ate it anyway. A piece of duck is nothing for his fully packed pocket.
Thinking there was time to spare, I decided to take a stroll to FarEast. See what surprises I got for everyone ;)
polka dotted cloth belt
These are some other photographs I have in my collection.
shocking pink pullover, white netball lookalike skit, fake vondutch leather bag
respect 100% pmk shirt (pic too blur due to her ass shaking too vigorously)
Soon it was 7.30pm. Being late is rude. So I started to head back.
Saw this freaking tall Ang Moh.
And you people were saying " kns ! ang moh pai buay kan de sia ! " Think again.
Time check 7.45pm. Ooo. I'm anticipating for his arrival.
Then it was 8pm.
It's really 8pm!
I walked around, in search of Mr OSG. Nope, no sign of any ugly boy in an orange shirt or any pathetic Evolution Lancer 8 as well. Yawns
I think he got attracted by the yoga classes being advertised in the litte tent outside Pacific Plaza. Yoga is more healthy than clubbing. ;)
How ungentleman of him to make me wait. hMpHxXx!
I was disappointed. I have thought of so many topics to discuss with him about. The beauty of Vitamin C in oranges, how to create disgusting hairstyles.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
I'm sad... :(
I'm fucking angry! >:(
I'm evil... >;D
I'm shocked... :O
Simple symbols on a keyboard can express so many expressions and feelings of mine.
I've seen many copy-and-paste pictures of girls in their neoprints and self-shot portraits. Their ugly smile is so prominent. =D =D =D =D =D Its just the same face different photo.
But this is the first time I've seen these sort O.O (please take note of his photo captions)
act cute ...
blur blur ...
May I help you ???
stunned ... pic taken 15-7-05
These are what I call - moodphotos. They are taken to show your different kind of expressions. They're similiar to those in MSN, a stupid smiley face saying, "FEELING - MOODY" , "FEELING - DEAD". Thus they're being labelled for the different mood it represents.
Yes his photos are labelled, BUT THEY FIT THE EXPRESSION MEH? They all looked the same to me. Does he look like this when he feels constipated? Imagine that face on him when he's sitting on the toilet bowl trying to force the shit out of his asshole.
You might have thought that I have actually posted 4 similar pictures and just to make fun of him. To prove that I am not, please take a look at picture5. Different clothing, same boring face.
I'm not exaggerating, am I?
If he was a girl, I don't think anyone would have realise that he was having a moodswing. =/
P.S. He is the self-proclaimed Orange Shirt Guy. We gave him a nicer nick though, Mr OSG. :)
Friday, July 08, 2005
The Better Artist
I would like to emphasise that we genuinely meant no harm in wanting to insult anyone in this entry. Yes, sounds like we're lying, but no. OK? :)
Both pieces of work are drawn by hand. No computer effects, especially not photoshop.
Click For Larger Size
Click For Larger Size
Camry's white paper with pencil mark
Click For Larger Size
What Pring has to say:
Come on my admirers! If you love me, vote for me! Don't lie, because you will be banished to Hell. The 18th level in fact! It's obvious that mine is the masterpiece, and hers is just a piece of bull. hEex`~ vOte 4 mE wOrX! jIaYoU xIaOpRiNg oHhss!! ^^
What Camry has to say:
DIE PRING DIE! >;D BAHAHA!
Go on and vote right now!
Sunday, July 03, 2005
The Smelling Bengs 
Graphics abstracted from the original comic, Xiao Ao Jiang Hu/The Smiling Wanderer.
Other than these, NOTHING in this blog has been taken from any copyrighted source.
Oh no. The Ah Beng is angry.
What will he do to Xiao Zhong?
How will the fight end?
Place your bets now. >;D
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